I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
