seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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