return my video game
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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