My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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