Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize