no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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