remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
