Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
