Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
