I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
