Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I look better un-naked...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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