He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize