that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize