I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
