He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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