Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize