it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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