My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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