Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize