You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
