i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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