Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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