dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
