i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
