I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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