Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
