she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
