I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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