woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
