I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
