My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
