You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
