fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
