Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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