I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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