omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
