i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
