I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If I die, sorry about rent.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
