remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
