Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
