The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
