u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
