I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
