life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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