why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
