I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
