I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
