i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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