just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
