I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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