you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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