You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
