Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
