Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
