So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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